Monday, April 11, 2005


Thirteen Senses - Into The Fire

While most of this blog's readers are my close friends, I don't generally write about personal stuff here. I rarely use names or specifics and outside of the occasional tirade or enthusiastic endorsement, I tend to keep most of my real feelings out of it. After all, the url for this site is all over my web profiles (Friendster, Facebook, InCircle, Upcoming, Audioscrobbler, Flickr...) making it not the most private of forums despite my being the only contributer. But... tonight I feel like breaking my own rules.

My parents called to talk to me today while they were waiting at the airport for their flight to England for a two week jaunt. Whenever I talk to my parents before they leave on a trip I always make sure to tell them I love them, because, well, I do and while I know they know it, I'm not sure I say it enough. So tonight as I was telling my mom this, I think I heard her get a little choked up. I don't know if that's what it was, but at the same time I felt a little knot form in my throat. As worst-case scenarios raced through my head I felt panic at the thought that something might happen to them.

What that little moment of uncertainty made me realize was that despite being 24 years old and living on my own, I am still dependent on my parents - for financial support, for emotional support, for advice, etc. I look at my friends who seem to have lives of their own outside of the nuclear family that they grew up in (occasionally complete with pets and fiancees) and I feel remarkably different. They talk about spending holidays at home and they mean in their apartments while on my holidays I often spend the entire time with my parents at their home.

To be fair, in my day to day life I am independent. I don't have a pathological closeness to either of my parents and I don't call my mom to ask her what color bell peppers to buy. I think my particular attachment to them at this point in my life is a product of my not wanting to make big decisions about my future alone. My mom once told me that one of the great things about getting married young was that she and my father faced all the uncertainties of their twenties together. Well, yeah. That'd be nice (I guess) and that does appear to be what many of my friends are doing, but since I'm all alone in this deal, I need to figure out a way to make the big decisions in life and not seek validation in a relationship that needs to mature.

When I envisioned my twenties as a teenager, I certainly didn't picture myself living alone in the suburbs receiving a monthly allowance from my parents. I couldn't have done anything I've done in my life without their support and for that I'm very grateful. Their support has made my life easy and opened many doors for me, but hopefully a little over a year from now, when I'll have finished school and finally have a job, I'll feel less like I can't live without them and more like I love them but am still my own person.


At 12:09 AM, April 12, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're lucky to have a good relationship with your parents. Mine pretty much sucks with my dad and is only ok with my mom when we're on opposite sides of the country.

(I'm not saying this in that "You should be grateful" tone of voice, I admire that you value your independence - I know too many people who rely on their parents to wipe their asses for them.)


At 11:54 PM, April 12, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. I sometimes feel that I "depend" too much on my parents to supply me with more than just the basic necessities in life. Things that a person in her twenties should either be supplying for herself, or doing without. I make an effort to let them know, in little ways, how much I appreciate all that they've done for me. I think your blog is an excellent example of one such way. By sharing yourself with them, the things that make you happy, sad, irate, or are just interesting to you, they get to see how far their generosity has gotten you and what an amazing person you are growing up to be.

At 11:56 PM, April 12, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

PS- kick ass song!


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